25 Days to Control Uncontrollable Wheezing (Days 4-6)

(Day 4)

I did no direct physical activity on this day. I did, however, do an extensive, bizarre photo shoot, which takes more out of you than you'd think. I might post pictures.

(Day 5)

I had an eight hour shift at work. Nuff said.

(Day 6)

I played soccer with a couple guys from the soccer team for a couple hours. And I'm about to lift some weights. Woo physical activity!

Joel Samson Berntsen (The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony)

25 Days to Control Uncontrollable Wheezing (Day 3)

Failure.

I went to school and work today. It was arctic cold outside, which I feel should be a legitimate excuse, but it’s not. Spontaneous dancing did occur. I’ve decided that really doesn’t count though.

Better luck tomorrow.

Joel Samson Berntsen (The silence of a still house)

25 Days to Control Uncontrollable Wheezing (Day 2)

The weather outside was terrible, rainy, and cold. There’s been predictions of snow, so I opted to stay indoors.

Instead I: Did an onslaught of pull-ups at various times throughout my small workout of crunches and holding weights in air. I also lifted some. Exciting stuff.

I started to jump rope when Robyn’s Cobra style came on. I did a spontaneous dance number that involved lots of running around and jumping. When it was over, I got a glass of water. Then, Out of the Blue by Julian Casablancas came on, so I did another spontaneous number. It was nice.

Progress is being made.

Joel Samson Berntsen(David Bowie- Cat People(Putting Out Fire))

25 Days to Control Uncontrollable Wheezing (Preface and Day 1)

As a child I was one of those intense, soccer hooligans that woke every Saturday morning, not to watch cartoons (those were reserved for weekdays), but to play the great sport of soccer(note: that was sarcasm). Years were spent chasing a ball around a field. And then I stopped. For no resolute reason, I moved on. It was probably the skateboarding.

ANYWAY, recently someone asked if I wanted to play for a recreational indoor league and I said, “OH GOD YES.” It’s a ramshackle team mainly composed of band geeks. We have heart and a bit of talent, but that’s not the point. The point is that after only two minutes of our first game, I was wheezing to death. I consider myself active, maybe even in shape. But there I was, on a turf field, taking breathes so deep I thought I was going to throw up the majority of my intestines.

So, I’m starting one of my new year’s resolutions a month early. Over the next 25 days, everyday, I will participate in some form of physical activity in hopes of combating this awful wheeze and getting in better shape.

(Day 1)

Today I: did pull ups; lifted some weights; more pull ups; crunches; some more pull ups; held some weights in the air; pull ups; bicycle crunches; a final batch of pull ups.

I also went on an intense late night run guided by the Christmas lights that suburbia has so proudly displayed. It was very, very awesome. Tegan and Sara’s Sainthood played through my earbuds. I felt enlightened. This can only be a good sign. Also, I now feel fantastic, in the physically sense. Yay!

Joel Samson Berntsen (Tegan and Sara- The Ocean)

Educational Disco on a Friday Night

I don’t really know what exactly prompts a spontaneous road trip to see an educational band on a Friday night, but that’s what happened.

This is how my brain remembers it:

Me: What time are we going to that Russian disco?

Brandon: Probably around dinner time…

Me: Damn. I really wanted to see They Might Be Giants tonight…

Brandon: What?! They’re here tonight?
Me: Yeah... At The Pageant.

Brandon: Let’s go!

Me: But what about Russian disco?

Brandon: We can just go earlier.

Me: (GLEE) I’ll go tell Dan!

After arriving at the Russian Disco (Surprise! I was actually serious about the Russian Disco part), we sat down for dinner because, the Russian disco is actually a Russian Shiskabob Restaurant that conveniently turns into a disco after seven. It’s named Astoria and they cook food. Real food. Food for men. It’s as if before God flooded the world, he stopped time and let the Russians of this restaurant perfect their cooking techniques on all the animals that were about to be wasted. My strong desire to appear Scottish lead to my ordering of the lamb kabob. Hm… Mutton.

Cleaning our teeth, we made our way to the Loop, bought our tickets, and made our way into a crowd primarily composed of people over the age of 30. They Might Be Giants gained fame for creating extremely catchy tunes that dealt with themes of science and education. So, the audience resembled some kind of cult science convention; glasses were everywhere (the kind that rest on your ears), lots of buttoned shirts, and a distinct absence of moshing.

The main claim of the concert was that They Might Be Giants would perform the entirety of their platinum album, Flood. Flood came out in 1990. It’s a weird experience going to a concert where everyone celebrates an album that was released before your birth.

The actual show was more or less disappointing. You could barely hear the vocals for most of the songs. They did do a brief sock puppet segment where they sang some of their children songs. That was pretty good. And they did make fun of James Cameron for a couple minutes, which was thoroughly entertaining.

The best part of the evening was after the show though. The band was handing out hundreds of bumper stickers for free. I was about to grab one, when a man with cut in front of me and started yelling at one of the guitarist. He said something to the extent of: “Thank you so much for playing fingertips because I lost a mine in an accident this week.” His hand shot up as we all stared in horror; bandages covered his hand and his pinky, ring, and middle finger were all bloody stubs. He then gave us a big, goofy grin and a giant thumbs up before slinking into the night.

Joel Samson Berntsen (What I like About You- The Romantics)

The facts: Kegs, Teachers, and Sarcasm

I work at a comic book store. There are a million things I could say about this, but the fact that I work at a comic book store is only the preface for the previous night. My boss, Steve, turned fifty-one and his wife, Carla, turned fifty, which leads to one logical conclusion: a keg party.

A keg party composed of 4/5 teachers (Carla is a teacher) and 1/5 sarcastic, middle-aged men who are occasional prone to working at a comic store. The evening, while relatively uneventful, taught me quite a number of facts.

Fact one: Teachers like to drink. I mean, sure, almost everyone likes to drink, but for some reason I never really pictured my teachers getting smashed on the weekends (except for those occasional teachers that come in hung over on Mondays).

Fact two: Some ladies are pretentious ass-holes. My boss was showing the sarcastic middle-aged men some original art-work in a room upstairs (I’m lumped into this group because while I may not be middle-aged, I am sarcastic and do work at a comic store). It was awesome, but then two ladies searching for a bathroom stumbled in and said, “What is this, a nerd convention?” They snickered and walked away. Luckily, the wittiest of our bunch called out, “Screw you…Bitch.” He dragged out the pronunciation of bitch. Unfortunately, she didn’t hear it. We still snickered.

Fact three: My boss is kind of awesome. He had bandit statue on a piano (the dog from Johnny Quest) and a set of every single ‘monster’ from Where the Wild Things Are. There are other factors that contribute to his awesomeness, like the fact that he was in David Bowie cover band, but I’ll save those for some other time…

Fact four: Don’t ever talk to the vegan guy that brings a cooler of bud select to a party where bud select is on tap.

Fact five: When you’re the only the only minor at a keg party, everyone suspects that you are constantly trying to steal alcohol. Seriously, I went to the porch to get a coke and the ten people immediately stopped talking and stared at me like I had committed a murder.

And I’ll leave it at that.

Joel Samson Berntsen (Nick Lowe-The Club)

Red on Red

In June, on my way to Washington State, they played Confessions of a Shopaholic starring Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher reminds me of Amy Adams though, so much so that I thought Isla was Amy. So, I decided to watch the movie, but instead of plugging my headphones into the headphone jack in the armrest, I chose to plug them into my Ipod.

Unfortunately, the movie was uncomprehendible without audio. One scene made perfect sense though, Isla Fisher started to fight a woman over a pair of boots. And as I was sitting there, I realized I really, really want to see a movie where Amy Adams fights someone. Now, I realize it was Fisher fighting, but I want to see Amy fight someone. And not like the tug-of-war battle in Confessions, but a full-on fist fight. I started picturing Adams getting her hair cut short, dyeing it black, and putting on a leather jacket. She would then walk into a random, dark bar looking for someone -oh, let's just say Ali Larter- tap Ali in the shoulder, and then strait sucker-punch her in the face. Brawling would ensue.

Yeah, that'd be pretty sweet. So, uh, get started on it Adams and crew.

Joel Samson Berntsen (Aspidistra-The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir)

In Case of Hate: Break Glass

"Now I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am. So, that's the way it comes out." - Bill Hicks

I am a vicious person. If I don't like you, I really don't like you. I will make this as clear as possible. My tongue is sharp and I will cut you. The majority of the time, I will feel no remorse whatsoever. I've always prided myself of this, which I realize is not only a problem but completely immoral.

I do; however, feel extremely ashamed when someone I care about chastises an off-hand comment or remark that was, in all probability, completely unnecessary because it makes me appear as a cold-hearted bastard. I don't want to be bastard. I want to be personable, charming, and cunning. But there’s a fine line one walks in attempts to be cunning. It can come off as intelligent and insightful. Beware though; if that line is crossed, you’ll retain the prior words, but the characteristics of cold and cruel will start to characterize you.

This scares me. One; because I firmly believe it’s exceedingly grows harder to change who one is as they grow older and I’m almost eighteen. Two; If I think I’m cold, others must think I’m appalling.

Thinking about this has led me to one conclusion: I need to dial down my hate. I’ll almost certainly remain who I am, but I need to at least attempt to put myself in check.

Joel Samson Berntsen (With A Little Help from My Friends- The Beatles)