The facts: Kegs, Teachers, and Sarcasm

I work at a comic book store. There are a million things I could say about this, but the fact that I work at a comic book store is only the preface for the previous night. My boss, Steve, turned fifty-one and his wife, Carla, turned fifty, which leads to one logical conclusion: a keg party.

A keg party composed of 4/5 teachers (Carla is a teacher) and 1/5 sarcastic, middle-aged men who are occasional prone to working at a comic store. The evening, while relatively uneventful, taught me quite a number of facts.

Fact one: Teachers like to drink. I mean, sure, almost everyone likes to drink, but for some reason I never really pictured my teachers getting smashed on the weekends (except for those occasional teachers that come in hung over on Mondays).

Fact two: Some ladies are pretentious ass-holes. My boss was showing the sarcastic middle-aged men some original art-work in a room upstairs (I’m lumped into this group because while I may not be middle-aged, I am sarcastic and do work at a comic store). It was awesome, but then two ladies searching for a bathroom stumbled in and said, “What is this, a nerd convention?” They snickered and walked away. Luckily, the wittiest of our bunch called out, “Screw you…Bitch.” He dragged out the pronunciation of bitch. Unfortunately, she didn’t hear it. We still snickered.

Fact three: My boss is kind of awesome. He had bandit statue on a piano (the dog from Johnny Quest) and a set of every single ‘monster’ from Where the Wild Things Are. There are other factors that contribute to his awesomeness, like the fact that he was in David Bowie cover band, but I’ll save those for some other time…

Fact four: Don’t ever talk to the vegan guy that brings a cooler of bud select to a party where bud select is on tap.

Fact five: When you’re the only the only minor at a keg party, everyone suspects that you are constantly trying to steal alcohol. Seriously, I went to the porch to get a coke and the ten people immediately stopped talking and stared at me like I had committed a murder.

And I’ll leave it at that.

Joel Samson Berntsen (Nick Lowe-The Club)

Red on Red

In June, on my way to Washington State, they played Confessions of a Shopaholic starring Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher reminds me of Amy Adams though, so much so that I thought Isla was Amy. So, I decided to watch the movie, but instead of plugging my headphones into the headphone jack in the armrest, I chose to plug them into my Ipod.

Unfortunately, the movie was uncomprehendible without audio. One scene made perfect sense though, Isla Fisher started to fight a woman over a pair of boots. And as I was sitting there, I realized I really, really want to see a movie where Amy Adams fights someone. Now, I realize it was Fisher fighting, but I want to see Amy fight someone. And not like the tug-of-war battle in Confessions, but a full-on fist fight. I started picturing Adams getting her hair cut short, dyeing it black, and putting on a leather jacket. She would then walk into a random, dark bar looking for someone -oh, let's just say Ali Larter- tap Ali in the shoulder, and then strait sucker-punch her in the face. Brawling would ensue.

Yeah, that'd be pretty sweet. So, uh, get started on it Adams and crew.

Joel Samson Berntsen (Aspidistra-The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir)

In Case of Hate: Break Glass

"Now I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am. So, that's the way it comes out." - Bill Hicks

I am a vicious person. If I don't like you, I really don't like you. I will make this as clear as possible. My tongue is sharp and I will cut you. The majority of the time, I will feel no remorse whatsoever. I've always prided myself of this, which I realize is not only a problem but completely immoral.

I do; however, feel extremely ashamed when someone I care about chastises an off-hand comment or remark that was, in all probability, completely unnecessary because it makes me appear as a cold-hearted bastard. I don't want to be bastard. I want to be personable, charming, and cunning. But there’s a fine line one walks in attempts to be cunning. It can come off as intelligent and insightful. Beware though; if that line is crossed, you’ll retain the prior words, but the characteristics of cold and cruel will start to characterize you.

This scares me. One; because I firmly believe it’s exceedingly grows harder to change who one is as they grow older and I’m almost eighteen. Two; If I think I’m cold, others must think I’m appalling.

Thinking about this has led me to one conclusion: I need to dial down my hate. I’ll almost certainly remain who I am, but I need to at least attempt to put myself in check.

Joel Samson Berntsen (With A Little Help from My Friends- The Beatles)

Checking In

Emma Watson: Gorgeous? Oh, Yes.

Rachel Getting Married: More of an experience than a film

Robyn (The Swedish pop star): Thorough Enjoyment (She sorta seems like a female Bowie)

Past Month: Pure delight mixed with discharges of exhaustion

My mother: Concerned about what people post on my facebook wall (What the hell?)

Joel Samson Berntsen (Cobrastyle-Robyn)

Pleas for Sex in Hotel Bar

I'm currently vacationing in Chicago. And as I leach from the hotel wi-fi(which oddly is only available for free by the bar) there's is a couple sitting next to me. I don't see the face of either person, but the man has a thick accent. The girl is clearly American and has a whinny voice. And as I sit in this bar, my face lit up by my father's laptop, they're arguing over the merits of first date sex.

First, I hear, "I have work in the morning. I can't. I can't  believe you're asking me this."

The man mumbles in a form of jaded english, I can't really understand him. She tells him, she wants to see him again and repeats she has work in the morning. He seems unable to understand this concept. I'm only hearing their voices. She tells him to order her another shot. There's an eerie silence. He returns and the converstation quickly goes back down hill.

"How dare you! Why are you making me feel little? You're making me feel two years old."

She's getting pretty pissed off. She demands he call her a cab. There's more mumbling. I can hear the man say something about the cab. They both get up. As soon as they walk past me, shoot a glance in their direction. I only see they're backs. The lady was short and had long, blond hair. The man was about her size and Asian.

I can only imagine what this lady is going to say tomorrow when her co-worker Jane asks how her date went, "Oh, let me tell you, I think he was the biggest douchebag I've ever met in my life." They'll go on to make racist jokes.

Joel Samson Berntsen (Listening to some club mix with heavy bass)

Senior Pictures Result in Brief Spout of Depression

When I get a hair cut the following happens:

• My ears are combed about fifty times
• I stare and read the labels of the five hair products on the counter ninety-eight times
• I tip(even though most of the barbers I encounter are dull-witted nincompoops who have just the a tiny morsel of skill)
• I distress over my hair
• I resist the urge to buy a hat that will cover both my wretched hair cut and my ridiculously large ears
  
• I finally decide that it doesn't look that bad
  
• I get sorta happy
  

Joel Samson Berntsen(Heroes-David Bowie)

I ♥ Huckabees

“When a mystery needs to be solved and it’s not a whodunit but a maze involving emotions, it requires the expertise of intellectual- and perhaps slightly kooky- detectives Vivian (Lily Tomlin) and Bernard (Dustin Hoffman). The husband and wife existential team helps untangle questions of purpose. Their client? Albert Markovski (Jason Schwartzman), an (environmentalist) who’s plagued by twists of fate. Co-stars Jude Law and Naomi Watts.” – Synopsis from Netflix

I ♥ Huckabees combines a particularly strange plot with fantastic acting and writing to create the most compelling movie I’ve seen in a while.

The characters are so appealing, engaging, and human that when they interact it forces the viewer to pay attention. A connection is almost immediately established with every single character. There’s a sense that you’ve encountered or met every single one of them. They’re all flawed characters but that’s the primary reason why they’re compelling; it forces the viewer to laugh and sympathize with every mistake and callow action.

Damn near every one gives a flawless performance, but a couple of actors should be pointed out. Mark Wahlberg presentation as a fire-fighter who has extreme difficulty accepting petroleum’s place in our corporate based society delivers one of the most touching, loyal characters in last ten years. Who knew that Mark Wahlberg could actually act? Jason Schwartzman and Jude law deliver with an uncanny perfection as warring enemies.

The final reason why I heart I ♥ Huckabees is how every running reference, character action, and the arguments of existentialism comes full circle in a very funny, very series manner that leaves the viewer with a lasting sense of satisfaction.

Joel Samson Berntsen (House Clouds-Liars)

I've been having an affair with another blog

I would like to modestly suggest that any readers of my blog check out the following:

http://breakfastclubbin.blogspot.com/

I will be a regular contributor. It should be noted that my only two posts have been buried, so if you’re looking for some of my writing you’re gonna have to scroll. It should also be noted that I’m not actually gay. It’s just a hilarious title.

Joel Samson Berntsen (I’m currently hosting a double ear infection, so the music has been put on hold)